Friday, June 25, 2010
I have so many things to get done. My garden is huge (about 1/4 of an acre) and it needs weeding. I sprayed it to kill the grass and that should help, but I need to get in there and pull the broad leaf weeds. I also need to finish burying the potatoes. I have 1.5 rows done and 5.5 to go. It takes me an hour to do one row! I need to put my netting up for the beans and peas, plant more peas, put in the stakes for the tomatoes, spread mulch around, and weed the grass out of the sweet corn areas. I can't do any of that, 3 days in a row I have been grounded from working in the garden, because we had a really heavy rain and the garden is still wet (I have heavy clay soil and it takes a while to dry out.) That is just the garden. There is also lawn mowing, packing up everything on the first floor because we are having the floors redone, and sorting through fleeces. I am feeling very lazy, I don't want to do any of it. I would rather sit here and work on my knitting.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
I have a love-hate relationship with people. I always knew I did not like most people and I never thought about why. There are so many fictional characters who I love. What makes them different from real people? I began thinking on this during a conversation with my daughter about her writing and how to make it easier for her. #1's biggest problem is she always wants to be perfect, never wants to hurt anyone (even unintentionally), and never wants anyone to think bad about her, including her parents. Most people would think that we are so lucky to have a child who is conscious of how her words and actions affect others, but it is not all that wonderful. When people desire to be perfect, when it is a compulsion, it is not real. When it is not real, we do not know these people. I know #1 pretty well, but, I do not know her passions, her sorrows, or her joys and that is what I most yearn to know about her. Who is she at her core? It is painful to know that she can not allow herself to be herself around me. I yearn so much to be able to love her, but this glass wall of perfection block me from getting to know her inner self. She is like so many people in my life. The desire to just get along with everyone is the thing I hate about people. I have realized that it is not the people who I hate, it is their lies. "Everything is wonderful, how is everything with you?" People dress up their outside to mask their inside and it is all an illusion. Yet, when we all sit down to enjoy our favorite TV shows or our favorite books, we love those people, I love those people. They are broken, their lives are bare for us, their joys and sorrows are clear to us, there is no wall. We love those people, mostly because they are living honestly. Those fictional characters are more real than our friends and family. I am truly convinced that when the lies and the small talk is tossed aside and people let us know who they are, we will love them. We will love their honestly, bravery, quirks, and flaws. We will be able to identify with their humanity and grow bonds. Hopefully, my talk with #1 helped her see how her restraints affect her self-expression and my ability to love her the way she needs me to. I want nothing more than for her to soar, to do that, she needs to free herself. She has 3 days to write her paper, I am praying she shines through it.